


on this road of no returning

by stationlittle



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 05:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2953865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stationlittle/pseuds/stationlittle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years is a long time to grieve over someone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	on this road of no returning

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Mass Effect 2 but especially "Lair of the Shadow Broker". Mentions of past M!Shep/Liara. Title from "Kiss of Fire" (the song).

** on this road of no returning **

 

Alchera was nothing more than a dot far away when Shepard got out of the shuttle, looking sad and exhausted. Garrus was watching him, his back against a wall in the shuttle bay.

"How many?" he asked.

"Twenty," Shepard replied.

A moment of silence was followed by a whisper as Shepard looked around to make sure no one was listening to their conversation.

"Garrus, Ash's tag was there...Pressly...everyone."

He looked utterly defeated. Garrus knew how he felt, because he had been there. He had been there as the Normandy was cut in parts, as the panic had taken over the crew, as life had left the ship. Those tags were all that was left of their comrades, their _friends_.

"We'll ship them to their family," Garrus whispered back.

Shepard nodded. He still looked shaken, like he couldn't believe what he had seen. Garrus had no doubt it must have been a nightmare.

"Come on. You need a drink after a day like this," he told Shepard.

But Shepard shook his head.

"Sorry. Can't. I gotta talk to Joker about our new destination, not to mention the many reports I have waiting for me, courtesy of Cerberus."

Garrus was tempted to insist, or even force Shepard to come with him, but he knew it was pointless, especially when Shepard had already made up his mind.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget to sleep."

"Yeah," Shepard replied, already distracted.

"John, I mean it. Sleep," Garrus insisted.

"Yes, mom," Shepard replied with a weak smile on his face.

 

Garrus was still thinking about that smile when he arrived at the kitchen. Miranda was standing in front of the coffee machine, waiting for her cup to be filled.

She nodded at him. It was late, and she looked tired. 

"I know it's not my job to tell you anything, Miranda, but are you sure you should be drinking that coffee?"

Miranda shrugged.

"Might as well," she replied. "I have a lot of reports to read."

"Funny," Garrus replied. "Shepard said the same thing."

"Ah," she said.

Garrus watched the coffee machine work for a while.

"You know," Miranda said after her cup was filled, "I wasn't here when the first Normandy was destroyed..."

"It's true," Garrus replied.

When he saw the look on her face he added, "But you were there not too long after. You saved Shepard."

She sighed. "What I meant to say is, I can't exactly understand what happened, but I know what it's like to lose people. Everyone I knew from Project Lazarus is dead. Well, almost everyone, and one I've killed myself, but all the others... They were innocent, and I saw them every day for two years. I can't imagine what Shepard must be feeling right now but I can... guess, maybe."

She looked at a loss, like she had no idea how to finish her sentences. Weirdly, it made Garrus like her more, but it also brought memories of his own, things he didn't want to think about. Sidonis. _His team_.

He sighed.

"It's alright, Miranda. I get it. I think...those things will stop hurting after a while."

It was a vicious lie and she knew it, but what else was there to say?

_Shepard will always carry this burden on his shoulders?_

_Nothing will ever be the same? This new ship, this Normandy, still doesn't feel like home?_

"Thank you, Garrus," Miranda said. "I'm going to go back to my office and work for a while. Don't worry, I'll try not to drink too much coffee."

She said it with a perfectly serious expression on her face, but he heard the teasing tone.

"Good night, Miranda."

"Good night, Garrus."

Garrus went back to the main battery room, not ready to go to the crew's quarters yet. He knew some members of the crew made fun of his "calibrations" and he didn't mind, but calibrating helped him. It made him concentrate on something other than what had happened for the last two years of his life. He could forget his time spent on Omega and before that the destruction of his ship, his home. One thing bugged him still: he had wanted to come to Alchera, had even asked Shepard about it, but it had been made clear to him that this was a captain's mission. Garrus was no captain, he knew it. Hell, he was a poor team leader, but Shepard should have gone with someone. Alone down there, it could be easy to lose all perspective.

A voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Yo, Garrus. You there?" Joker asked.

"Yes, Joker," he replied. "What is it?"

"The Commander just dropped by. Wanna guess where we're headed?"

 _Not Omega_ , Garrus thought. _Please, not Omega._

Not after what happened in the Citadel last week. The entire trip had been awful. It went pear-shaped quickly and he had only himself to blame. Garrus didn't know what was worse: him so intent on killing Sidonis or Shepard having to put some sense into him by yelling in his ears to stop and _think_.

"Illium!" Joker said. "I asked why we were going there. He wouldn't say, but I think he got a message from Liara."

"Oh," Garrus replied, relieved.

"You know what this means, right?"

"No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me. In detail."

Another voice interrupted their conversation.

"I believe what Mr. Vakarian is implying is that you are what humans being would call a gossip, Mr. Moreau," EDI said.

"Oh no," Joker replied. "Stay out of this. Besides, it's only healthy, and we're just offering theories. Theorizing is not the same as gossiping."

Garrus rolled his eyes but he was amused despite himself.

"Okay, big guy. Let's listen to your theories."

"I think she wants him back," Joker replied. "It makes sense, right? Their love story was cut short by...well, we all know what happened. Now he's back, she's available, she dealt with whatever she had to deal with, and this trip is their reunion."

Garrus listened, uneasy. Could it be true? Could they be on their way to Illium because Liara wanted to come back? If so, why was Garrus suddenly anxious and unhappy? He loved Liara, he really did. She wasn't like a sister, not really, but they were friends. He felt ashamed for feeling like this.

He was about to reply to Joker when EDI did instead, telling them, "This is not what is happening, Mr. Moreau. You assume she sent Commander Shepard a message, but she didn't. Cerberus did."

Garrus felt relieved, again, but this was a different feeling than minutes ago. This relief, he didn't want to look at it closely.

"And you couldn't have tell us earlier because...?"

"I wanted to hear your theories, Mr. Moreau. It was entertaining."

"Okay, guys..."

He knew he had to interrupt them before the flirting evolved, and boy, was that something he didn't need to hear or think about _ever._

"I'm in the middle of some calibrations so I need to stay focused, okay? Garrus out."

"Wait, Garrus—"

"Yes, Joker?"

Silence.

"Joker?" Garrus said again.

Joker was always quick (maybe too quick) to talk about what was on his mind. This time he was still talking fast but he also sounded serious and even sad.

"I've seen Shepard come back from Alchera and...apparently he talked to you in the shuttle bay, and I was thinking he would come to see me, and he would look terrible, right? But I don't know what you said to him, man. He just seemed tired. So not that bad, right? Still pretty bad but..."

"The Commander will be fine," Garrus replied.

He had to be. He had to be fine, for all their sake. They were about to go on a suicide mission. That was bad enough.

They needed Shepard in good form, fit for duty. But of course Joker couldn't care less about that right now. Even Garrus couldn't think about this mission, so far in the future. What mattered was now, and now was saying goodbye to people they loved.

"I'm sure," Joker replied.

He sounded hesitant, tired. Garrus didn’t like it.

"We'll all be fine," he told Joker. "It's just hard now."

"No. I mean, yeah, okay. But it was my fault, Garrus. What happened was my fault."

Garrus shook his head. He couldn't see Joker, only hear him, but he could guess how guilty he must have looked saying this. Garrus was familiar with that guilt, and one thing he knew for sure is that Joker didn't deserve to feel it.

"Joker, you tried to save the ship until the last minute," he said. "This is what a good and loyal pilot does. Shepard stayed because this is what a captain does. He stays with the ship, he saves the crew. That's his job, and you know him. He does it well for a reason."

Silence.

"Do you understand?" he asked.

He heard a sigh in his ears.

"Yeah. I do. Thanks Garrus," Joker said.

Garrus smiled.

"You're welcome. Now leave me to my calibrations."

"All right, grandpa. You do some calibrating."

"Who are you calling a grandpa, young man?!"

The line went dead. The last thing Garrus heard was Joker's laughter. He went back to working on the ship, once again obsessed with how to fix it, how to make it better so it would never die again, not on his watch.

 

Friday morning and the crew was busy preparing to dock on Illium.

Miranda and Jacob were looking at reports in the briefing room. Garrus joined them.

He didn't ask if more colonies were hit. For once, he didn't feel like starting the day with more bad news.

"Have you seen Shepard?"

"He's talking to Joker and EDI in the cockpit. We'll be on Illium soon."

"Who's going with him?"

Jacob and Miranda shrugged. Shepard often made tactical decisions: who was best suited for a mission, who needed some time on the field, who deserved some rest. Thing was...it wasn't just tactical. Garrus knew it.

His face showed nothing (he made sure of it, because no matter how much he liked them, Miranda and Jacob were noisy), but he was worried. He wanted to go to Illium, to see Liara, and if he was honest with himself, to see what happened between her and Shepard. It was just...he didn't want Shepard to put him on the bench because of what he almost did to Sidonis.

He regretted what happened, but he also knew it was in the past.

It was just difficult to truly believe it when he couldn't stop thinking about it.

He had nightmares about finding the corpses of his teammates. Sometimes it was about finding Shepard's corpse. Sometimes it was just him floating in space, seeing the Normandy cut in parts, with no way to breathe, no hope left.

"Garrus, are you okay?" Jacob asked.

He nodded.

"Busy day ahead," he said, trying to give what humans would call a smile. "I'm going to talk to our dear Commander. Later, guys."

They watched him leave the room but didn't say anything.

He saw Kelly Chambers give him a look on his way to the bridge. He waved at her, she waved back. He hoped he wouldn't have a "private conversation" with her anytime soon. Some crew members thought she was nothing but a joke, but Garrus wasn't so quick to underestimate her. She would often say the most brutal and honest thing with the sweetest voice.

To be honest, he was a bit scared of her.

On the bridge, Joker was the first to greet him.

"Hey, Garrus. We're almost there."

"I can see that. Hello to you, and you, Shepard. And EDI."

"Good morning, Mr. Vakarian."

"It's Garrus, EDI. You know that."

Shepard stared at him, like he knew Garrus was putting on a show but somehow found it amusing.

"Come on," Shepard said. "Let's go say hi to Liara."

"Does that mean I'm coming with you?" Garrus asked as Shepard was already leaving the bridge.

"Who else, Garrus?" Shepard replied.

This time, Garrus' smile was real.

 

Not for the first time, Garrus wondered why Liara would go to a place like this. It was honestly disturbing to think about. He thought she would go to a new dig or that she would go back to university. What happened instead, well...

Of course, he couldn't blame her. He did the same thing. Shepard's death hit them hard.

"You weren't there last time," Shepard said. "I think you were in the infirmary. I took Miranda and Mordin with me."

Garrus snorted.

"Let me guess, Miranda and Liara hated each other instantly, and Mordin couldn't stop talking?"

"No," Shepard replied. "Miranda didn't say much, but they said hi. I think they respect each other. And Mordin was his usual self, true. It was just weird to see what Liara was up to."

Shepard had told him all about it when he came back from Illium that first time. He had told Garrus how shocked he had been to hear Liara, innocent Liara, threaten someone.

 _She doesn't seem like the same person_ , Shepard had said.

This time it was just him and Shepard. Garrus wondered why Shepard hadn't taken anyone else with him, but the matter was quickly forgotten as they arrived in front of Liara's office.

The office next to it was empty.

"Didn't you tell me she has an assistant?" Garrus asked.

"I guess she got rid of her," Shepard said.

He shrugged. The doors to the office opened. Liara smiled when she saw them.

"You're back," she said to Shepard.

She saw Garrus and her smile grew wider. Garrus completely forgot how worried he was about her possible return to the Normandy. Her face was so familiar, and it was so easy to be together again, the three of them, as a team. He felt a burst of happiness. 

"Liara, I'm so happy to see you again," he said.

"Garrus," she said.

They hugged. Shepard watched them, with a smile on his face. It was probably his first genuine smile since Alchera.

After they were done, Liara looked at them both and asked, "Not that I'm not pleased to see you, but why are you here?"

That's when Shepard told them about the message from Cerberus.

 

Later, much later, Garrus locked himself in the battery room. He asked EDI to make sure no one would enter the room and only talk to him if there was an urgency.

She obeyed. She didn't have to but she did. He thanked her.

The whole thing with the Shadow Broker had been exhausting. He hadn't had time to catch a single break since it had started. They’d come back to Liara's office later to find her apartment ransacked and no traces of her. They had been worried, and that's when Tela Vasir had showed up. Of course, they hadn't know she was a spy for the Broker at the time.

Once they had found Liara and killed Vasir, they then had to raid the Shadow Broker's ship and fight him. Needless to stay, Garrus was happy to be back on the Normandy.

He knew Liara was on the ship at the moment, talking to Shepard in his quarters. He felt...well…what did he feel? He didn't know. The relief to find her alive had been bigger than anything else he could be feeling.

He just hoped that whatever happened now, he would somehow still find a place on the ship or at Shepard's side. That was all he could hope for, all he could ask for.

Half an hour later, EDI appeared behind him. She feigned clearing her throat.

"Garrus, I am sorry to bother you, but there is someone here to see you."

"EDI, I said emergencies."

"It's Dr. T'Soni. She's quite insistent."

"Oh," Garrus said. "Let her in."

"As you wish," EDI replied.

The doors opened, and Liara entered. She was wearing evening wear that he associated with the richest and most noble Asari.

She looked beautiful, as always. 

"Garrus," she said.

"Liara. You're dressed to impress, I see. Which, trust me, works completely."

"Thank you for the compliment," she replied with a teasing smile. "EDI wouldn't let me come in at first, I had to insist," she added. "Is it something you do now?"

He shrugged.

"Not really. It was just a long day."

Eager to change the subject, he asked her about the Normandy SR-2.

"Have you visited every floor?"

"Yes. I saw Joker and a lot of people I don't know."

"You also saw Shepard. How was it?"

Liara didn't reply at first. She seemed contemplative.

"I think we agree on one thing, that we work better as friends," she finally said.

It took Garrus completely by surprise.

"I thought you and John...I thought...nevermind. I'm sorry, Liara."

"It's alright," she replied. "Nothing to be sorry for. I'm glad I had the chance to see him again and to talk. I'm glad I had a chance to see you too. Things have not been the same lately without...without my friends."

"A feeling I understand too well, trust me."

"So," she said, looking at the battery room. "This is where you spend most of your time on the ship. Let me guess...calibrating?"

A laugh escaped him.

"I'm getting a reputation," he said. "Which reminds me, what are you going to do now that you're...you know."

She sighed.

"There are so many things to do, Garrus. So many opportunities to fix things. Sometimes I feel like this galaxy has been broken for far too long."

"I know, Liara but I don't think this is something that you have to fix on your own."

"Oh, no, I'm not...I'm not trying to be...I have resources now, Garrus. That's what I mean."

He nodded. It was final, then. She wasn't going to stay. She would go back to that ship, she would become the Shadow Broker. There was some part of him that wanted her to stick around, another that was okay with her leaving. Sometimes he didn't understand himself.

"I'm going back. It was nice to see you again, Garrus. I hope you and Shepard come visit me."

They hugged. He watched her looking at him one last time before the doors of the battery room closed.

 

He hadn't been a part of the team Shepard took with him to Haestrom. John had left with Jack and Thane. Garrus comforted himself with the idea that having the most powerful biotic and a former assassin at Shepard's side was at least reassuring. He trusted them to protect the Commander.

Trust was pretty rare these days, but Thane had proven to be a noble guy, and Jack was a warrior. So he didn't worry about them. He knew they would all come back alive with Tali.

His predictions were correct: they did, but it took them the better part of a day. Tali had been ecstatic to see him, and they had spent the evening drinking and talking. Well, mostly drinking.

He had wondered where Shepard had been, but there was no sight of him.

"It's so nice to be back here," Tali said.

"It's nice to have you back. You missed Liara."

"I did! Oh, tell me, what happened?"

He told her everything.

"Keelah! It shouldn't surprise me that a Spectre was a traitor."

"I know...after Saren...but she looked like the real deal at first, can you blame us?"

"No, not at all," Tali replied.

There was a moment of silence, before she added, "After all, we're sitting here talking about this on a Cerberus ship."

Garrus sighed.

"I know, Tali. Trust me, I know."

He didn't say anything more. There were things he felt comfortable saying on this ship and things he wanted to keep to himself. All conversations about Cerberus should not happen inside a room where anyone could listen.

Garrus wasn't stupid; he knew the Illusive Man was a paranoid and secretive bastard who needed eyes and ears everywhere. Talking about Cerberus would only feed his obsession.

"Hey, do you know where we're going next?" he asked.

"No idea. Why don't you ask Shepard?"

"I haven't seen him, today. Tomorrow, I guess."

She nodded and made a sound that sounded like a yawn.

"That reminds me, I didn't see how late it was. I'm going to sleep. Good night, Garrus."

"Good night, Tali. See you tomorrow."

She left. Alone in the port observation room, Garrus was tempted to drink another glass, but he wanted to be ready and in shape in case there was a surprise attack on the Normandy. _Another attack._

That night the nightmares came back. It didn't surprise him.

 

Garrus was watching Samara eat cereal in front of him, which was...surprising. Shepard was the one who had had the most contact with the justicar. Garrus had never been on a mission with her, and to be honest he still had no idea if he was scared of her or not. Watching her eat cereal made her seems one hundred percent less scary.

"Good, uh?" he said.

She stared at him like she was only now noticing his presence (she had definitely heard him coming five minutes ago) and slowly nodded.

"It is, as you say, good. One really needs to have a full stomach before leaving on an important mission."

Garrus' heart skip a beat.

"An important mission?" he tried to ask without sounding too desperate.

"Yes, I believe Commander Shepard will have a talk with you. We're leaving for Omega."

"Omega?"

"It's a personal matter that the Commander has agreed to help me with. I am sorry if it's going to delay—"

He interrupted her. "I apologize, Samara, I think I didn't express myself well. It's not a problem that we're going to Omega. I'm not a fan of the place, true. You might say I find the entire station full of miserable and despicable people, but I was just surprised. That's all."

"Miserable and despicable people. Yes, that is one way of describing them."

He suddenly had a doubt.

"Say...you don't know anyone there, do you?"

"Not anyone I would wish to be friendly with again."

Her tone was icy.

"Okay..."

Yep, still scary. He suddenly had the urge to leave.

"I...I'm going to see Shepard."

"I will see you later," Samara replied.

Her smile was sincere, but her eyes showed just how far away she was in her own thoughts.

He was going to go to the captain's cabin when Shepard came out of the elevator. He looked better than the last time Garrus had seen him, but then again the last time was after Tela Vasir and the Shadow Broker had tried to kill him, so...

"Garrus," Shepard said. "I was looking for you."

"Oh." Garrus replied.

He suddenly had no idea what to say or do. He felt nervous. For the past few days, he had tried to think about what the hell had been going through his mind when he thought Shepard and Liara would be a couple again. He still had no idea, so he had come to the conclusion that it was probably better to avoid the subject entirely and see where it would take him.

Facing Shepard now, he realized how dumb that idea had been.

"Can we talk?" Shepard asked him.

"Yes. Of course."

They walked past Samara, who nodded at them. Shepard nodded back.

They arrived in the battery room, which was practically Garrus' official room on the Normandy. It felt normal to discuss things there. Shepard sat on a bench in front of him while Garrus leaned against the wall in front of him.

"So..." Sheppard started. "We're going back to Omega."

"I know," Garrus replied. "Samara told me."

"Damn."

Shepard sighed, passed a hand through his buzz cut hair.

"I didn't want you to find out like that. Thing is, Samara needs my help. It's complicated, but she's been after someone for a very long time, and that someone is well...I'm not sure if I can tell you."

"You know me," Garrus replied. "I'm like Kenneth. You tell me one story, it goes from the engine room to Joker in less than five minutes. Two, if it's one of my good days."

Shepard chuckled.

"You know that's not what I meant," he replied with a grin.

"Alright," Garrus said. "Leaving the mysterious identity of this person aside, why did you want to talk?"

Shepard grimaced. Garrus didn't have to guess then. He sighed.

"Going to Omega, being near Omega...it's not going to be a problem," he said.

He hoped this would be the final discussion, but Shepard didn't look like he believed him.

"Are you sure?"

"Shepard, I'm a soldier like you. I've learned how to compartmentalize. Last time was...I was obsessed with getting revenge. I realize now how wrong that was and...it's not going to happen again."

Shepard looked tired, and perhaps a bit nervous, like he didn't want to have this conversation and was only doing it because he had no choice. 

"Garrus, you also spent months hunting down mercenaries on that station."

"I know, Shepard, I know. But if you think I'm unstable, then why are you—"

"Woah. That is not what I'm saying, Garrus."

"What are you saying then?"

"I'm concerned. I'm not accusing you of anything."

"Okay," Garrus replied. "Well, there's no need to be concerned."

Shepard stared at him but didn't argue.

"Okay," he told him. "Fine. We leave in an hour, be ready."

Still leaning against the wall, Garrus nodded. He watched Shepard leave thinking, _that could have gone better_.

 

Not even two hours later, Garrus watched as Shepard tried to flirt with Morinth.

Samara was hidden not so far away.

Garrus couldn't imagine what it was like to hunt your own family. Except...at some point, he had considered Sidonis his brother.

He sighed. He could have used a drink by now.

Several times, he had seen mercenaries looking at him weirdly before turning their heads or getting past him. Perhaps they had recognized him. If so, they had been wise to leave him.

After that conversation with Shepard, Garrus had no need to make a scene on Omega.

He looked at the Commander. He was staring at Morinth and talking, probably trying to persuade her he was as dark and violent as she was. The whole thing would have been amusing if he wasn't so worried. It had taken Samara hundreds of years to find her daughter, Garrus wasn't going to underestimate her.

Two minutes later, as he was considering actually ordering a drink, he saw Shepard get up and leave with Morinth. Samara was still hidden, but she had seen. They exchanged a look.

Garrus didn't like this at all, hadn't liked that plan from the beginning, but this was Samara's last chance. It was too late anyway.

Garrus got up and followed Samara, who was already on her way.

Garrus estimated Shepard and Morinth had been inside the apartment for ten minutes by the time they joined them.

Samara opened the door with a kick of her foot.

Shepard moved out of the way as mother and daughter started to fight. Garrus stood next to him, having no idea what to do in this situation. He could take his gun, but something told him it was better to let Samara deal with Morinth on her own.

It happened in a few seconds.

Samara held her daughter.

"Find peace in the embrace of the goddess."

Both he and Shepard looked away as she killed Morinth. Afterwards, Samara asked, her face showing no emotions, "I'm ready to leave this place and get on with my life. Are you ready to go as well?"

Garrus was still staring at Morinth's corpse when Shepard led him to the exit.

 

Back on the Normandy, he returned to his calibrations. He tried to concentrate, but he couldn't scrub the image of Morinth dying from his mind. He would picture her until her face was slowly morphing into Sidonis' and Garrus himself was the one doing the killing.

The doors of the battery room opened and Shepard came inside.

"Garrus," he said.

"Shepard."

Garrus' only consolation was that, aside from assisting the brutal killing of one of Omega's citizens, he had done nothing to get him noticed. Surely, that ought to make Shepard happy. And yet, he looked like the mission had been a failure.

"What now?" Garrus asked. "You look terrible."

"Thanks," Shepard replied.

They stared at each other.

"Seriously—" Garrus started.

"Are you happy here?" Shepard asked.

Garrus took a step back, shocked by that question.

"What do you mean, am I happy here? Normandy's home."

That wasn't true, not exactly. He had loved the first Normandy, and he was starting to love this second ship, but home was with Shepard, with the team. It was with Tali, Liara, Wrex, Kaidan, and Joker.

He hoped Shepard would understand, but he only nodded. Once again, he didn't look satisfied.

"But when you were gone, you were leading your own team."

"Why are we still talking about this?" Garrus asked.

"Because you were a leader," Shepard replied.

He looked like he was trying to stay calm and not to raise his voice, yet he was more loud than usual. Garrus himself was starting to get angry.

"And now you're back here, not a leader," Sheppard said. "You're back to being a second in command."

"I am?" Garrus replied, deadpanned. "Thanks for telling me."

Shepard made a face at him.

"I'm being serious, Garrus!"

"And so am I. So what if I'm second in command and not a leader? Have you seen what happened to my team? Is that what this is about? You're doubting me."

"No."

Shepard made a noise out of frustration, and banged his hand against the door.

"Dammit," he said. "Look, nevermind. That's not what I meant. I have to go."

Garrus stared at the doors as they closed, Shepard on the other side.

"What just happened?" he said out loud.

He didn't expect an answer, when EDI appeared in the room.

"Garrus? May I tell you something?"

Garrus sighed. At this point, nothing could surprise him.

"Yes, EDI. What is it?"

"I believe Commander Shepard is worried about something he saw in the Shadow Broker's files."

"The Broker's files?"

"The Shadow Broker had files on everyone associated with Shepard. There was a file on you."

"How do you know all this, EDI?"

"Because when you left the Broker's lair, Commander Shepard took the files with him. He often read yours and looks troubled."

"Okay, I'm going to forget the fact that you're not supposed to tell me this and ask you one thing. What's your definition of troubled?"

"The general definition is to be worried or anxious."

"That's not..."

He sighed.

"Okay, thanks."

"He looks like something puzzles him, and he doesn't like it," EDI added.

Garrus looked at the little blue orb in front of him, wondering if she had always been perceptive or if her stay on Normandy was changing her.

"Thank you," he told her. "Where is Shepard now?"

"He's in his quarters. He told me he didn't want anyone to bother him. Should I tell him you wish to see him?"

Garrus sighed.

"No. I'll talk to him tomorrow. I'm going to sleep. Good night, EDI."

"Good night, Garrus."

Garrus left, his calibrations forgotten.

 

Garrus didn't get time or the opportunity to talk to Shepard the next day. Shepard was in different meetings, he visited Mordin, and finally sat and ate dinner with Miranda and Jacob. They were going on a mission tomorrow, something to do with Jacob's father. Garrus sat with Tali right as Shepard was leaving the mess. Usually the Commander would stay and talk a bit, but this time he only nodded in Garrus' direction and left.

"What is going on between you two?" Tali asked.

Garrus shrugged.

"I don't know. Ask the Commander."

"All right," Tali replied. "Because you two are so mature and not at all acting ridiculous right now."

"Men, am I right?" Garrus replied with a smile.

Tali giggled.

"But seriously, maybe you should talk to him," she said after.

"I'll try. I promise."

She let the matter go. Later, Garrus returned to his calibrations, determined to finish his day's work. Of course, someone interrupted him, and of course, that someone was the one he’d spent hours thinking about.

"Shepard," he greeted the man.

"Garrus."

He saw Shepard pass a hand through his hair, a sure sign he was nervous. Things had been awkward lately, and Garrus had no idea why. Maybe it was him, maybe he made the Commander nervous. Still, Shepard came back to talk.  

"I'm sorry," Shepard said. "I kept talking about your team on Omega, and I...it's not that I forget they're all gone but..."

"They are gone. Dead, all of them," Garrus replied.

Erash, Monteague, Mierin, Grundan Krul, Melenis, Ripper, Sensat, Vortash, Butler, Weaver. He had carved their names on his visor's frame. Sidonis' name he had burned out.

It didn't change much. They were there with him. His friends. And Sidonis.

"I know what that's like," Shepard replied.

"I know," Garrus said, after a minute. "I was there when you went to Alchera."

Shepard leaning against the wall, looking at the floor, arms crossed in front of him.

"This isn't what is bothering you, is it?" Garrus asked.

"EDI told me she told you about the file."

"Ah," Garrus said. "She didn't tell me much, just that there was a file."

"I just read the summary at the top. I was curious. I shouldn't have read it, and once I realized what could potentially be in those files I...I want my team to trust me. If they have secrets, I don't want to—"

"Wait a second," Garrus interrupted him. "What secrets are you talking about? What was in my file?"

"It wasn't a secret, Garrus. At least not in yours...but others, yes, lots of secrets. I read Miranda's file out of curiosity and trust me, I really...I regret it. But yours, I only read the summary."

"Okay," Garrus sighed. "Tell me. What did it say?"

"Leadership potential overshadowed by Shepard. Unlikely to fully develop under Shepard's command."

Garrus listened, stayed quiet as Shepard finished telling him and went back to staring at the floor.

"You memorized it?" Garrus asked.

Shepard sighed.

"Does it matter? Did you even listen to what I said? The Broker's assessment of you is that I overshadow you. I'm the reason you're not developing fully."

"So you believe that crap?" Garrus asked.

He had no idea if he ought to be amused or not. Shepard stared at him.

"So you think the Broker's wrong? You're seriously going to tell me that working with me is not stopping you from being a leader?"

"Shepard, I was a leader of a team and look what happened."

"For the last time Garrus, this wasn't your fault!"

"I didn't want to be a leader, Shepard. Don't you get it? I spent all this time killing mercs on Omega because I was grieving. I was grieving, and I didn't know how to mourn. I thought killing a bunch of bad guys would help. That's it. That's the great story of my time spent as a leader."

Shepard stared at him, shocked.

"Seriously," Garrus went on. "Did you really think I wouldn't care that you died? That we wouldn't care?! What do you think happened for two years? Wrex, Tali, Liara, Kaidan, and I, we were a team. Did you think we each went on our merry way by choice? We were devastated. We each tried to get over your death, to get over you."

He remembered taking his weapon in his arms, and aiming at Rhi'hesh Shurta on Omega, his first real important kill. He thought it would make him feel better, but he only felt empty.

He had pictured Shepard sitting next to him, talking to him the whole time while he waited for Shurta to come. He hadn't stop picturing Shepard. Even these days, he sometimes pictured him with him, as he did his calibrations. He knew it was fucked up, but he couldn't stop.

"You were dead, Shepard. We...I lived with my grief for two years. This was never about leadership. I don't care about that. I care about you."

"Garrus..."

"No," he said, "let me finish. I care about you. I want to protect you, I want to make sure I never have to bury you again because I can't...I couldn't deal with it, not again. I don't care about what some Shadow Broker would say. I'm here because you're my best friend, and this is where I belong. Fighting besides you."

Shepard stared at him.

"So all this time I was worried you weren't happy here, I was being an idiot?"

"Shepard, you're always an idiot," Garrus replied.

Shepard started laughing. Garrus laughed too. It felt good.

He had no idea when was the last time he had properly laughed. Years ago, probably.  

Shepard took a step forward. Garrus watched him.

"Garrus, you know you're my best friend, right?"

"Some days I do," Garrus replied honestly.

"I deserve that," Shepard said. "But I mean it. You're my best friend. I saw your face on Omega. I let Samara kill Morinth because she couldn't move on if she didn't. You saw what happened. It changed her. The Samara who came back with us is not the same person who went to Omega. I didn't want the same thing to happen to you, so I got in the way of your revenge. I'm sorry. Maybe it was selfish, maybe...I just don't want my best friend to become someone else."

"Unless it's about leadership," Garrus replied.

Shepard sighed.

"I don't even make sense to myself sometimes, you know that."

Garrus nodded. They were standing close to one another.

"I do. I know. I know you."

He didn't know who made the first move, but not even ten seconds later, his forehead was against Shepard's and they were staring at each other, like they were going to kiss any minute now. Garrus prayed that for once EDI would leave them alone.

"Are we..."

He didn't get the chance to finish his question. Shepard kissed him.

 

In his nightmares, Shepard died again and again. There was no way to prevent his death, no way to make it stop. That night, when Garrus woke up terrified from a nightmare, Shepard was sleeping next to him.

Alive. 

 


End file.
